One of my favorite places to shoot is in the comfort of
On 9/2 we had an appointment – Monthly visit. I took my mom with me. The doctor said everything looked great. She was a little tiny but everything else looked great. Good heart beat and all. She even told us she believed she was a girl- but we would find out forsure on 9/12.
10 days later on 9/12 (my little girl’s daddy’s birthday) we went to our appointment. The ultra sound was about 45 minutes long. When we were done we asked if he knew the sex (because he got up and just said we were done without saying anything about the ultra sound)… He said he couldn’t tell and the pictures were blurry. And that’s all we were left with.
The next day I got a call asking if I could come in for a last minute appointment because the pictures “were blurry” and because it was a technician that did the ultra sound, a “specialist” needed to do a follow up… everything felt like it was about to shatter. Every appointment we had been to, I would always ask my doctor if we could hear the heartbeat first. Because my biggest fear was that something would go wrong. I got to the doctors office, sat in the room waiting, and the doctor came in and said “I’m so sorry we have to meet under these circumstances.” I instantly started to cry. She told me what was wrong… Alessia had cystic hygroma with hydrops. It was connected/related to turners syndrome. She showed me what was happening, but I couldn’t watch. I covered my eyes and I cried the whole time she performed the ultra sound to get the measurements of the baby.
Alessia had a missing chromosome which is why she was two weeks behind in size, had an under developed heart, fluid in her lungs, chest, and all over her body. She was swollen. Everywhere. We either performed a D&E to remove her before her heart gave out or let her fight for another week and give birth to a still born. Because everything was just getting worse those were the only options we were left with.
We waited about a week or so to get a second pair of eyes, or rather a third. The doctor confirmed what the tech saw and what the previous doctor saw and gave our little girl a 0% survival rate because her condition was so severe. If she were growing semi-normally, and the fluid wasn’t EVERYWHERE, “then I would tell you guys to let her fight. But because it’s this bad so early on in the pregnancy, there’s a 100% chance she won’t make it full term.”
With that, we left, and cried the whole way home in silence. As a week went by, we were scheduled for a D&E on September 29, 2016. And within that week we waited, we told her how much we loved her and how sorry we were- but we enjoyed her while we could.
What was once my little girl’s home is now gone, I’m leaking milk with no baby to nurture, and I’m emotionally exhausted. Here I am, a week after giving birth, with no baby to show for it, and I’m sad. I miss her every day. But it’s important to share my story because it’s my story of the days that led up to the birth of my child.
I love you, Alessia Mia Bello, and mommy and daddy miss you so much.
Still so weird to say… I’m going to be a mom! I’ve always been a baby person, and my boyfriend always gets mad because, “babies love you more than they love me.” It’s my calling- especially because my mom used to run a daycare when I was in middle school. However, I never thought I would be a mom this soon in my life. I had plans like everyone else. I wanted to graduate, and get married, and travel the world, and then have a family. But life never really goes the way you “plan it,” does it? And today, I can honestly say I’m okay with it because I know things happen for a reason and whatever comes my way I will take control and handle it… As a mother. Having this happen at this point in my life is truly a blessing in disguise; it’s motivated me to continue pushing for a career- I’m loading up on 5 classes in the Fall, 3 classes in the Winter (which, I’ll have the baby during midterms), and finish off strong with 3 classes in the Spring and graduate in June of 2017 with my Bachelor’s in English Literature. So, thank you, baby… For pushing me to be the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I am more motivated than I’ve ever been in my life, and it’s all for the future of my child.
I want this especially to show my child that no matter what people might say, or what people might think, you can always do what makes you happy even if all odds are against you. I will be able to tell this story to my child with confidence and pride… That I had a baby during a time that no one thought was possibly.
At just three-months, it’s been stressful. I have no control over what happens to my child as it “bakes,” and I officially have no control over my own body anymore. But I’m excited for this journey, and I’m excited to share the good, bad, sad, and happy times of it all. Ready for this roller coaster ride…. No, seriously, these hormones are so up and down- help!
Not sure which college Asher Roth attended when he wrote his song, “I Love College,” because, man, my college experience is nothing like his song.
Sometimes it’s hard and you get discouraged as an adult still attending college. I find myself 6 years down the road and barely considered a college junior. From community college to transferring to a university, my life seems be moving at such a slow pace. Sometimes I question my paths and sometimes I want to give up. I think about how hard I’ve worked to make my parents proud, until I finally realize I need to do this for myself. I live a life full of obstacles and roller coaster emotions but I’m proud of how far I’ve come. And as many times as I continue to fall, I will always pick myself back up until I’ve reached that finish line.
So the diet didn’t go as planned, as always. And here I am ready to start again “on Monday..” We’ll see! Actually getting sick of Diet Coke so hoping this time around is going to be better.. Because that hasn’t happened in a really long time
Trying to figure out which waters are going to keep me off the Diet Coke train. So far, today, I’ve tried: strawberries, mint, cucumber, and lime… Definitely my favorite water mix I’ve tried thus far. Other favorites are cucumber, lime, and lemon; raspberry, grapefruit, and lemon.
Wish me luck… One last time. Happy Fri-yay!
I’ll start on Monday…
Every mid-week/weekend, I use the phrase “I’ll start on Monday” when it comes to working out and eating right. I’m one of those girls whose body weight fluctuates a little too drastically. So, here I am, writing about this experience in the hopes that it will actually do something for me. My journey is out there for everyone to read and hold me accountable for what I eat and how I exercise.
As women, we hardly ever start the working-out routine without some type of motivation behind it. I say hardly ever rather than never, because there are women out there that actually care about their health and appearance daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. The motivation can come from a break-up, vacation, music festival (HELLOOOO COACHELLA!!), or simply just not being able to fit comfortably in your favorite jeans anymore- or any jeans for that matter. Getting on the fit train becomes difficult when the train ticket heads straight towards the food court- HOW DO YOU FIND ANYTHING HEALTHY TO EAT?!?!
I’m that girl who goes SUPER HARD in the gym on day 1, ALMOST as excited on day 2, cuts the work out in to half the time on day 3, and stops going day 4. And I’m also that girl who, if the fitness journey doesn’t start on A MONDAY, then I guess we just have to start the following week- so hey, let’s keep being unhealthy Tuesday-Sunday because Monday’s when it really starts. I don’t know what it is that keeps me from falling off the tracks. For the love of cheeseburgers or not, I need to stop leading an unhealthy life.
So that’s why I’m here… Here I am, Monday night- squats, check; abs, check; healthy dinner, check; no Diet Coke, check!!!! (this is probably the biggest accomplishment). I’m just hoping from the amount of disgust I feel in my body, I can finally keep this going. So get ready, because it’s about to get real. Start- 137ish lbs; finishing goal- 117ish lbs.
& PS. For all you girls/women who are already skinny (I mean with like actual, visible abs and shit), stop making the rest of us who are truly unhappy with their looks feel less shitty… Please. You look great, and that’s amazing you want to continue being healthy and fit, but let the rest of us catch up before you start calling yourself fat when the rest of us can only fit into the 13 pairs of leggings in our closet because anything with a button is out of the question. Excited to see how this ends, because writing about this has definitely added some pressure to finish & for that, I’m pushing.
**if you ladies have any secrets to staying on the fit and healthy track, please share. If you’re going through this as well, or have gone through this (or something similar), share your story too! We’re all on the same team and want to see each other be successful in their goals.